Monday 25 March 2013

Flapjacks Don't Kill* People...

...People kill* people......with flapjacks.


*I say kill. I mean cause minor ouchies.

Today, the BBC are reporting that a school in Canvey Island, Essex (or is that ON Canvey Island?) have banned the kitchen staff from cutting their freshly baked flapjacks into triangular shapes. I shit you not! However, squares and rectangles are permitted.

"This is health and safety gone mad!" I hear you cry. It is, innit? Why would they do such a thing?

Tragically, a child was injured (they don't mention the extent of the hurt) when another pupil launched one of the baked treats in their general direction making direct contact. I imagine a healthy debate over the authenticity of some Burberry got out of hand...it's Canvey after all!

The report includes a micro-interview with an official from the Institution of Occupational Safety and Health in which he uses the phrases "half-baked decisions" and "this takes the biscuit." A word of warning before you read the report; your sides will almost definitely probably split. Keep a sewing kit handy...

The school's self-appointed health and safety officer is currently carrying out a risk assessment on prawn mayo sandwiches, caramel slices and Dairylea branded cheeses.

Evil Flapjacks (Boo....Hiss)
Good Flapjacks (Yaaaay)
 
In my opinion, they should leave the innocent flapjacks alone and instead sentence the cake-toting hoodlums to one week of banging blackboard rubbers together at break. Let's see how they like missing their playtime.

Anyways, to mirror the BBC's helpful "three point guide to flapjacks" featured in their article, I have come up with my own helpful flapfacts**.
  • In the UK, flapjacks outnumber the police by 80 million to one.
  • People who consume more flapjacks tend to injure more people.....with flapjacks.
  • Some towns and hamlets in the UK have bylaws making it legal to throw flapjacks in self defence.
  • You don't need a background check to buy flapjacks. Frightened? You should be!
** I may have slightly confused the following: Actual facts/made up facts, UK/USA, flapjacks/guns. It's easily done.


You'd better shape up, Dairylea!
 
Here's the article. Read it.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-essex-21923218

Wednesday 6 March 2013

I Don't Fancy Gavin Henson

I don't actually. He's far too orange for my liking so I've never really taken any notice of him. But that may be because I'm only familiar with tabloid Gavin Henson and not rugby player Gavin Henson. I know he had some shenanigans with Charlotte Church, something about a dating show and probably something about Katie Price...maybe?

So there we were waiting for Saracens vs London Welsh to start at Allianz Park on Sunday. I was in my seat, head down, doing my Twitter when in the periphery of my vision appeared a lovely pair of fake baked legs with superb muscle definition. "Oh my god!" I said to hubby, "Is that Gavin Henson?" "Yes." He said.

Here is a gratuitous photo montage of the man. Also, I discovered Instagram at the weekend.


Saturday 2 March 2013

Taking My First Tentative Steps...

...into the relms of social diarising.


Woo hoo! I'm a Blogger, oh yeah! Get me, Bitch!

I love the idea of having a blog, but I've always thought it a little narcissistic. Would anyone really be interested in anything I have to say? We'll see...

I'll be blogging about anything and everything but for now I'll just talk about me. I live in the "market town"* of Maldon in Essex with my hoosband, two kids and a Noodle cat. I work part time for Farleigh Hospice and in my spare time I write stuff. I write purely for my own pleasure. So far I have:
  • Written 15 minutes of a screenplay for a sitcom
  • Penned poetry about a hedgehog's love of shoes
  • Illustrated above poem
  • Written a short story about a teenager going shoe shopping with her grandma
  • Some other stuff that will be uncovered in 100 years time after I'm dead and gone and will be auctioned off for a truck loada money even though it's complete twaddle.
So that's the intro. I'm off to brainstorm some ideas for future bloggies.

*The market is really shit.



Hooby & Me