Flapjacks Don't Kill* People...

...People kill* people......with flapjacks.

*I say kill. I mean cause minor ouchies.

Today, the BBC are reporting that a school in Canvey Island, Essex (or is that ON Canvey Island?) have banned the kitchen staff from cutting their freshly baked flapjacks into triangular shapes. I shit you not! However, squares and rectangles are permitted.

"This is health and safety gone mad!" I hear you cry. It is, innit? Why would they do such a thing?

Tragically, a child was injured (they don't mention the extent of the hurt) when another pupil launched one of the baked treats in their general direction making direct contact. I imagine a healthy debate over the authenticity of some Burberry got out of hand...it's Canvey after all!

The report includes a micro-interview with an official from the Institution of Occupational Safety and Health in which he uses the phrases "half-baked decisions" and "this takes the biscuit." A word of warning before you read the report; your sides will almost definitely probably split. Keep a sewing kit handy...

The school's self-appointed health and safety officer is currently carrying out a risk assessment on prawn mayo sandwiches, caramel slices and Dairylea branded cheeses.

Evil Flapjacks (Boo....Hiss)

Good Flapjacks (Yaaaay)

 

In my opinion, they should leave the innocent flapjacks alone and instead sentence the cake-toting hoodlums to one week of banging blackboard rubbers together at break. Let's see how they like missing their playtime.

Anyways, to mirror the BBC's helpful "three point guide to flapjacks" featured in their article, I have come up with my own helpful flapfacts**.

• In the UK, flapjacks outnumber the police by 80 million to one.
• People who consume more flapjacks tend to injure more people.....with flapjacks.
• Some towns and hamlets in the UK have bylaws making it legal to throw flapjacks in self defence.
• You don't need a background check to buy flapjacks. Frightened? You should be!

** I may have slightly confused the following: Actual facts/made up facts, UK/USA, flapjacks/guns. It's easily done.

You'd better shape up, Dairylea!

 

Here's the article. Read it.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-essex-21923218